smile and fade away..

reset

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 09:02:35 GMT

i finally feel.. fixed.
like my body has been reset into starvation mode.
it feels like victory. complete victory.

i realised tonight, one of the things i have to do to distract me in the evening from snacking and adding calories
is to pretty drastically shut myself away in my room.
i just spent the last 5 hours watching Roswell episodes (i love michael and maria - plus, is it just me or did she get really skinny towards the last series?) and tidying my room while blasting angry/depressive music (i'm currently indulging in some 'Jenny Don't Be Hasty').
now it's prettymuch tidy.
so my treat to myself is to write in here.

i've latched onto hot drinks again.
i went through a phase where i obviously didn't understand their importance in the starvation mode.
(by starvation i'm talking anorexic tendencies stuff)
but the last two days i've prettymuch been living off tea and coffee and diet tonic water.
it's like a switch has been flipped in my brain.

and it couldn't have come at a better time.
the end of lecture's big party/gathering/event at university is happening next friday.
and i need (NEED) to be thinner by then.
if i run into my exes (any of them), i want them to see how much i've changed.
to show off.
my and my best friend are going as gypsies.
she found these amazing eye jewels in takaka last weekend at some hippie store.
i have a short tie dye skirt and a singlet top to wear with leather sandals and a headscarf.
plus copious amounts of fat-hiding fake tan.

another benefit - if by then, i'm hardly consuming any calories, the alcohol will hit me like a motherbitch.
and i A. won't have to pay as much for drinks and B. won't have as many calories.

my best friend.. she acts like she's on a diet and hardly eating anything but it is SUCH a lie.
she wants so badly to think she is eating like someone with an eating disorder.
like the other day, i went over for lunch and i was like "wow i didn't realise how hungry i was, i guess i forgot breakfast" (absentmindedly), and she springs back within half a second with, "OH I DIDNT HAVE BREAKFAST EITHER.. YEAH.." and i could blantantly see cereal and food wrappers on the bench (she was home alone, her family was away).
things like that, annoy me.
but then i know that she's at least 3 times bigger than me anyway, so i'm not too worried.

fuck.
my wisdom tooth hurts so bad.
but i'm so scared of getting it checked this weekend..
what if i have to get it taken out?
then i would have to go under anaesthesia.. and the thought of that freaks me out.
not having control about whether i'm asleep or not.. eeeeeek.
ow i'm going to go take some more codeine.
hah, start another habit.. not.

goodnight.

chacharel

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 11:19:00 GMT

things are weird

i feel all alone
people don't get me
i need people who get me
i realised today that some of the only people who are in a social group i want to be in are people who i thought were just T.C. in highschool
but now i wish i had made more of an effort

i should've taken advantage of the (apparently obvious) idolism they showered upon me
when i lost 20 kgs in a couple of months and looked rather skinny
everyday it was "what do you have for lunch?" "what do you think i should get while i'm out for lunch at the mall? you would know the perfect thing" "wow drinking water means you dont get hungry?"
BLAH BLAH BLAH
but i loved the attention secretly

anyway
i need a new social group
mine isnt doing anything for my sick, sad case of elitism

and a new guy
i need a guy who is basically d___
just more attentive
and who needs sex like an animal
isnt afraid to just grab me when i come over and throw me down onto the bed
i think that is SO hot

oh and who also has a good social group
i shouldve been born a lord's daughter or something, honestly
its twisted

ANYWAY
diets going okay?
i finally managed to get two huge sachets of this digestive enhancer stuff
you make it up into two big 3 litre batches
i plan to prettymuch fast on that for the next two days?
or try my best, i wont cry because i ate a nectarine or a carrot or anything

my face has thinned out quite a bit
legs are toned and lean
mid section is HORRENDOUS still (i carry weight around the middle, fucking lucky me)
but getting better (i have abs, and its all toned-ish and curvy)
and my arms are thinning out FINALLY <3
i really want skinny arms, toned/shapely/lean legs, a smaller waist and popped collarbones
as well as my intense jagged shoulderbones that always show up <3

im going to do this
i AM going to do this
i can do this
im DOING this
im winning

like i always do
l.b. always gets what she wants.. eventually

a bientot
xxxxx

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 09:48:53 GMT

this is just going to be one huge massive rant
i just dont even care about punctuation or anything right now

so a lot of stuff has gone down lately
and i feel, as usual, like this is the place where i can reach a final point and think things through that have happened

broken up with mason for.. a month and a half now?
and im not feeling any heartbreak whatsoever
he was just not for me
to think, that i used to have the biggest crush on this guy, i thought he was sooooo hot and would have done anything par jump off a bridge to get a chance to go out with him or even KISS him
and then i get to go out with him, have sex with him, he even tells me he loves me so many times that it was.. well, we will get to that later i suppose

but even though i got all of this stuff that i wanted,
i didnt want him
when he got all lovey dovey with me, i felt uncomfortable
when we had sex, i got queasy and nautious for no reason
when he told me he loved me so many times and i lied back.. i felt like the worst person in the world

on top of all of this, im FAT
FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT
i go for a run every single day
i do pilates every single day
i eat healthy foods
and im still stocky as fuck
i mean, i have a tight ass and sculpted legs, fairly popped collarbones and shoulderblades with the potential an anorexic would slay for (i used to be thin and my shoulderbones jutted out like a skeleton, theyre magical)
BUT IM STILL TOO FAT TO EVEN CONSIDER WEARING A BIKINI

and its almost summer
whats a girl to do

ILL TELL YOU: a girl stops eating
but continues exercising

back on track now
i go on facebook a few minutes ago and mason is flirting with some english blonde chick called.. LAURA
same name, i mean.. thats kind of sick right?
i couldnt believe it
and the part i couldnt believe the most was the stab of pain in my heart
and the tears that just started rolling down my cheeks
i was jealous
jealous and angry and sad

sad on top of my depression

why am i depressed?
we go back to dave
dave who i stopped going out with about 6 months ago
its getting ridiculous

he has a new girlfriend
probably some beautiful blonde girl with a perfect body and a smile the size of christchurch
it kills me a little

so basically
everything is horrible at the moment
but im not going to let myself fall into a rut
im going to make goals for myself

so here goes
my goals for the next month:

O Make a new Friend who is socially 'Cool' for networking benefits
O Go out at LEAST once a week to socialise (bar/town/party/drinks)
O Find a new man to satisfy me, Must be on par with certain ex's
O Must stop eating as much, Cut back on all foods, Especially sugar/carbs/fats (fruit and vegetables only with Water)
O Exercise every day, no excuses (Do this already anyway..)
O Instead of watching television, Devote evenings to preening and making sure i look Hot at all times
O Spend an hour each night doing something Educational (DRIVING LESSON/assignment/STUDY)

those are my goals to a better me..
lets hope they go somewhere

just to be super safe, im going to plan tomorrows meals here
Breakfast: Celestial Seasonings Berry Tea
Snack: Lettuce Leaves
Lunch: Carrot (and Green Tea if needed)
Snack: Nectarine
Dinner: Nibble of whatever Mum and Dad make

VIVA LA LUST

oh dearie me

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 10:56:10 GMT

this is honestly turning into some perverted sex-capades blog right now
how trash is that haha..
ew i disgust myself
i just have to get it all down somewhere so that i dont forget what happened,
and this is the most convenient place really

so the night started at laurens place,
we downed two glasses of wine each, and from that i was extremely intoxicated already
as in, couldnt even stand up properly at that point
so laurens mom dropped us to the foundry to drink our pain away and watch the league game on the widescreens..

> as a little intercept, i broke up with dave about three weeks ago now,
and its killed me ever since. i cry every day, whether im out for a run or when i wake up in bed in the morning and realise i
want to be next to him in his bed. et cetera.
i miss him with intense pain. so ive been drinking my pains away the last few weeks, and it hasnt done me any good but..
well youll see from the results that it adds a whole fuckload more drama to my life everytime.
if this isnt unwarranted heartbreak then i dont know what is. he doesnt deserve it, but yet.. i die a little everyday.
yes, im a drama queen, hadnt you noticed already?

anyway, downed wines, now were at the foundry.
had ciggies outside, downed half a jug of beer each, find our ethiopian bodyguard friend tendai there,
he hangs with us and we watch the league leaning on a table
i get sick of leaning, so i steal a nearby stool to sit on, but lauren is uncomfortable so i decide to use my charms to get her one
i went up to a table of these nerds and put on the whole doe-eyed beauty thing, batted my eyelashes etc
and they refused to give me a stool, but then when their friend when to go to the bathroom, they jumped up and ran the stool over to me
..thats right, ive still got it.

anyway, my friend letitia who ive known prettymuch my whole life (through primary to uni) well, ive known her my whole life
not really friends with her as such but shes a complete dollface i love her.
so she arrives and we start chatting to her, which is really fun. by then weve both had two glasses of wine each and one and a half jugs each..
i am completely mindfucked.

she leaves, and i end up chatting to her cute flatmates that were still standing next to us, and after the rugby finishes, they invite us back to
their flat for another drink and some chatting. so we agreed, and we walked there, took ten mins.
(before we left, i had like a complete breakdown moment outside on the terrace of the foundry, i collapsed on the ground and
started bawling my eyes out like a baby whimpering "i miss him so much", which was triggered when i tried to text dave
and lauren forcibly took my phone away from me so i couldnt. jake (cute flatmate guy) comes out and checks on us,
is kinda not knowing what to do when he sees me crying but makes sure im okay and goes back inside)

so, were at their flat now, and we are meeting some of the flatmates etc.
blah blah blah, everyone goes to bed and jake invites us to see his room and listen to some music, just chill.
eventually, it went from chilling in his room, to me lying prettymuch comatose on the bed, to a THREESOME.
yes, a fucking threesome.
i never thought in my LIFE i would have a threesome.. the idea of it disgusted me, well, the two-girls-one-guy type of threesome.
alas, i was fucked off my nut, and horny as a dog on heat. gross.

tag team blowjobs, poking, breast fondling.. it was weird.
then lauren got shitty because jake was ignoring her (what can i say.. im prettymuch a nympho)
and called a taxi home, and was like "ill see u tomorrow morning, im leaving so u guys can fuck already"
and left, so i was like.. "okaaay.. stuck at random dudes house.. BLOWJOB TIME!"
and gave him one so good that he came after like 5 seconds.
all over my chest. lovely.

then he was all like "lets fuck now, please, lets have sex, youre so much more beautiful, i just want you"
and i was like "no.. u turned down sex with both of us earlier. im going to sleep.. niiiiiiiiiight.."
and fell into a deep sleep.

THIS MORNING: woke up.
first thought: "ohhh fuck i cannot believe i really am lying here right now"
i remembered everything from the night before.
so embarassed.. i just wanted to die.

he was such a sweetheart though, gave me a ride to laurens house and asked for my number,
invited my to his flats drinks this saturday.. uhhhhhhh no thanks honey.
i dont think ill ever be able to show my face around letitia ever again.. if she knows then im just going to DIE. DIE DIE DIE!

oh yea.. hes friends with my ex too.
how fucking small is christchurch ay?
well, they used to be friends. now he isnt welcome around at their flat because he punched a hole in the wall.
nice thomas, nice.
oh and his other flatmate is this guy who plays rugby who my friends are like, in lust with.
lovely.
i seem to pick the best ones dont i..

anyway, so that was my disgustingly dirty, embarassing, whoreish wednesday night.

and i cannot believe it happened.

alone.

Sat, 17 May 2008 12:58:43 GMT

i feel really strange.. i hate when i feel like this.
my parents have gone up to the north island for the weekend,
cos its my nana's birthday.
i was invited to go along as well, but i have work on sundays, and also, my mums side of the family is pretty weird really.
as much as i hate to say it.. trashy? i mean, she grew up in porirua so im not surprised really.
but yea, i adore wellington, it feels like a home away from home to me.
its the people there that freak me out a bit.

anyway, the folks are away,
and it feels so strange having the house to myself. (well, the brothers here too but he's a little ill at the moment so hes asleep a lot)
just like, eerie and i feel really.. alone.
i never thought i was a person who craved social interaction but, i must be because im feeling depressed and theyve only been away for one day.

part of the depression i think though,
would the the relationship strain between me and dave.
the other night i was over at the flat, and i got really drunk (they were laughing at me cos it took one and a half glasses to get me TROLLEYED)
and i was talking like the world was ending. anything i thought, came straight out of my mouth without a thought.
and i remember repetitively saying to dave "you're such a bad boyfriend!" and then each time giving him a new reason why.
WHY THE FUCK WOULD I DO THAT?
i mean, he is an absolutely SHITHOUSE boyfriend, but you dont go around saying that to people?!

im relating this whole dilemma to that three days grace song, "i hate everything about you"
the lyrics that go: " Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don't miss you yet"

" I hate everything about you
Why do I love you"

that last one especially..
i love him so much inside, but i hate everything about him prettymuch.
its tearing my heart and my head apart!

we've been together nearly 3 months,
and i havent done anything with him just me and him, like a movies night or dinner out.
nothing.
im totally neglected as a girlfriend, all i am to him is entertainment, and the girl that he can claim a fuck out of every night that im there.
even when im just there to come over to the flat and spend time with him,
he's either in a shit mood or hes fucked off his face.
he cant even wait til i get there to start drinking.
and all he does is drink. almost every night of the week.
i cant understand it.
FUCK. i have to break up with him. i have to.
but i dont want to. WHY THE FUCK AM I SO HUNG UP ON SUCH A MUNTER?!
this is so frustrating.

dave, dave, dave.
i love u so why do you do this to me.
please tell me.

ive started smoking again.
marlboro lights.
the most aesthetically beautiful of the available selections.
i love smoking but i LOATHE what it does to me.
one of my greatest fears is not being able to breathe, after the time i was rushed to hospital when i was younger
because my lungs were affected by this weird illness, and i almost passed out from lack of oxygen before i got there.
so whenever my breathing gets laboured from the cigs, i freak out and stop smoking for awhile.
its gradually starting again.

today i spent two hours sweating it out at the gym.
and that was AFTER i had already spent an hour rushing around catching the bus there and then running through the mall to get my brothers medicine from different pharmacys.
so then, i went to catch the bus home, all shaky and cold. and THE BUS WAS 20 MINS LATE.
and this was after id already been waiting outside in the cold wind for half an hour.
so fucking mad.
and then after that, i had to walk home for another 10 mins in the cold wind.
i hate winter.

FOLLOWING THE USE OF THE WORD HATE;
i have decided that my goal for the next month is to try being a more upbeat, spontaneous person.
i get anxious about everything and i have to plan things,
but its dragging my relationship down so i want to try being more like him.
living on the call of a name and a scent on the breeze.

bought a brand new black leather snakeskin indented bag today, it has a centre compartment for me to slip in my new laptop too.
so its basically this absolutely gorgeous leather fashion computer bag.
but its big enough to hold everything (ive always wanted one o f those "omg her bags half the size of her" bags that the celebs seem to tote about)
i can see the jealous eyes at uni already.
bite me you pretentious bitches!
i may not be one of the most deliriously rich people on campus but i sure do work it just as well as you do honeys.
even my ex boyfriend stopped in his steps and gawked at me a couple of days ago..
HA HA HA.
take a photo, it might last you longer you frigid prick.

oh and a side note before i leave..
im starting to feel a kinship with lindsay lohan.
ive always been told everywhere i go that i look like her (minus the radical freckles and ginger hair.. THANKGOD)
but ive started thinking lately that maybe im a nympho.
not like, hardcore.. just out there.
i feel like good sex can fix everything. usually it does in my case with dave actually.
anyway, lindsays been outed as a nympho by a fair few so yea.
i dig her passions.
ew except the whole possible lesbian thing.. that creeps me out.

ta ta darlings
im off to bed now.
tomorrow i have to get up, nurse a sick brother and run the dog all before an evening shift at work.
oh the joy.
miss u mum and dad,
get home safely. love you both.

X O X

fuck.

Tue, 13 May 2008 11:46:29 GMT

so i put on a LOT of weight at the start of this year,
and im only just starting to lose it now.
im at like fucking 150 at the moment,
its disgusting.
last time, before my anorexia got triggered and i lost 25kgs i was up at 80 kgs.
now i feel like even though i try hard, my weight is just billowing up there again.
lately, anyway.

SO, ive started going for a run every morning, and doing pilates twice a day, plus stretches.
and on my non-busy days (i have constant uni, boyfriend and family matters that keep me stressed)
i manage to go up to my gym and spend a couple of hours doing cardio and weight resistance training.
(not much lately though, so many bloody uni assignments)

anyway, i weighed myself a week ago before i started the constant running,
and i was 150 pounds so.
i think im going to give myself another week,
and COMMIT to the lack of nutrition, embrace my cigarettes, and live for that gnawing pain.
and after that, if ive lost a fair amount then i KNOW ill be even more keen to continue.

i have to get out of this disgusting, pathetic binge purge cycle.
its sickening. im sorry if you disagree with me,
but i personally think that bulimia's for pussys who cant handle starvation and pain to get to their goals.
therefore, i am currently DISGUSTED at myself.
and am going to change overnight.
fuck bulimia and bingeing - i dont even fucking need food!
FUCK NUTRITION.

tomorrow, for breakfast im going to have a berocca with water.
then im going to get dressed and catch the bus to university.
at uni im going to attend my lecture until twelve pm, possibly one pm if i can be arsed.
then i will sit with zoe and tina and hannah and tyrone, and purchase a packet of tailies and smoke the hell out of 2 or 3 of them.
that will be my lunch. my fuel for the afternoon.
then i will go to my english lecture at 2pm and listen adoringly to the lecturer talk about Jane Eyre (i love english).
then i will run across the hall to my mass communications lecture at 3pm, in which i will feel publically scrutinized by the hundreds of eyes as i walk in the door.
then i will bus home, and go for a lengthy run up to Northwood and back.
and then text my boyfriend and go over to the flat for a raunchy sex session, and tell him that my parents are away this weekend..
WOO HOO!
party time..

X

ALCOHOL.

Mon, 12 May 2008 11:37:39 GMT

fuck i love being drunk
like seriously.. im sooooo fucked right now.
just got home from the boyfriends flat, its about 1130pm and yea.
drunk assssssss fuck.

at first i wasnt drunk, i was totally sober and packing a mean sad ay.
then this new guy adam came over, whose taking Pav's place in the flat in august and..
well.. hes gorgeous. i couldnt stop looking at him and everytime i stole a glance, he was staring at me too.
i felt so dirty just looking at him with my bf standing right next to me.
i remember thinking during the evening "oh god if i ever had the chance i would fuck him in a heartbeat.."
but then.. where the fuck does that leave me and dave?
jesus. i think i have either slight nymphomaniac tendencies or maybe im normal?
who knows.

anyway, as soon as adam came over,
he started pouring me drink after drink when all the other guys were outside,
and chatting to me and stuff, TOTALLY hardcore flirtation going on on both sides.
he reminds me of my gorgeous best friend scott who i havent seen in 3 weeks, cos he got himself a DISGUSTING BITCH OF A MOLE FOR A NEW GIRLFRIEND. SHES ABSOLUTELY MINGER AND JUST EW I HATE HER SO MUCH.
HE CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER, HES ABSOLUTELY STUNNING!
grrrrrr rant over.
i miss scotty baby so much :(
i think hes just ditched me now though because he cant get a lay out of me anymore - he knows i have a bf and that im not attracted to him in that way (hes a little bit too short for me - i go for pretty tall guys)
but i still acknowledge that hes amazingly beautiful.
tan skin, almond eyes, dark hair, ripped body, amazing ass (ohhhhh yes, i saw it naked several times after sex..)
not a huge penis but well, he can live with that without me telling him.

anyway.. adam was filling me up on wine.
and i got pretty drunk pretty quickly.
haha and kohan (flatty) wanted to see my hair extensions so i clipped one into his hair for him,
it was hilarious! and he was so stoked too hahaha.
gotta love that hottie.

gosh i prettymuch spent all night flirting first with pav, then with kohan, and then with adam.
drooooooool, adam.. ahhhhhhh.
drool kohan too.. i had a sex fantasy about him once.

haha when i was outside and rather drunk, about to head home,
i was outside with kohan and pembie and adam, talking to kohan,
and he was like "george told me you bought furry handcuffs in town.. poor daves gonna get cuffed and abused!"
and i was like (saucily HAHA) "hah well.. i didnt buy them for dave.. theyre for me.."
and then we were both like AWKWARD SILENCE
and i was like "OKAY haha awkward silence time, im going to head inside now"
and ran inside looking smoldering with my dress hiked up my legs a little.
you bet ur ass he was checking me out.
all guys like to dominate a girl... and i love to be dominated.
he found that out the easy way.

anyway, i was drunk,
and dave was being a faggot most of the night, but when he realised that all of the guys in the flat were hitting on me
simultaneously, then he bucked up a little and started groping me in front of everyone.
boobs, ass, waist. hands everywhere.
it was hot haha.
kinda felt bad for the other guys though, adam clearly thought dave wasnt good enough for me.
made it a little obvious.
but yea, then i got picked up and headed home, so all was well.
hopefully ill see the boyf in 2 days and things will get raunchy.

haha 20 mins till i got picked up
me: "maaaaaaan 20 mins till i have to go home!"
dave: "oh shit you better go get into my bed then, weve only got 20 mins till ur mum gets here!"
adam: "............"
me: "*CHOKING ON WINE* HAHAHAHA.."
dave: "haha.. ha... im being serious haha"

so funny.
poor adam.
if theres ever any way of hoooking up with adam without dave knowing, i so will.
i mean, ive already been hooked into by that Sebastian guy on the bus trip..
not my fault.

meh im off to bed.
NIGHT.
X O X

bus trip.. 0h N0eZ

Sat, 03 May 2008 23:38:03 GMT

shit. i. had. an. eventful. night.

EXCEPT I CANT REMEMBER HALF OF IT!

jesus.

so, it was my friend from high school's (left last year) 18th bus trip last night,
caught a pink party bus from the fox & the ferret bar in riccarton,
it was girls from villa (mainly villa) and guys from thomases (where my ex used to go) and bedes as well as the girls boyfriends friends.

started the bus trip, all was well,
hit up a couple of pubs and drank like madddd.
bus driver became good mates with me and my friend tina who i was with the whole night.
and then things started to get funny, we were at the second pub and i was talking to this chick i didnt know who had been sitting down the back,
and she was like "you were wearing that grey jacket before ay.. yea all the guys i was sitting near in the back of the bus spend the whole first half of the journey
talking about how hot you are !"
and i was like "raaaaandom.."
and she was like "well, youre extremely gorgeous so its not really a surprise !"
WHAT A SWEETHEART. she was so nice.

haha so having all these guys i dont know hitting on me was a bit scary,
OMG HAHA i just remembered, at one point i was dancing in the middle of the bus and some guy was fully squeezing my ass !!
GROSS he wouldve gotten a handful of FAT.
yuk.

but yea, i had a good time dancing and cavorting about at the pubs,
and on the bus later in the trip the guy i was sitting behind, James, found out that i was the coveted "River Queen"
(i fell in a river last year at a party the night that i met my ex boyfriend thomas, who is prettymuch the social king of St Thomases so everyone knew about it
and knew that i was the "river queen")
and i laughed cos i didnt know that was my official nickname haha..
so he told everyone and all the thomases guys were like ":O WHOA THE RIVER QUEEN!"
LOL i found that sooooo amusing.

so then came the really bad stuff..

james' friend Seb who went to st bedes last year came and sat next to james in front of us
and i took a liking to him a little bit.. he was very hot.
so i flirted, but tried to make sure i never overstepped the boundary because well, i have a gorgeous boyfriend who i love.
but then the alcohol fucked me over..

seb pulled me over to him on the bus and hugged me, which was ok i guess,
but then a few seconds later he pulled me over to him again and fully started hooking up with me.
HARDCORE.
and i couldnt do anything because i was so drunk !!
FUCK !
so then after that i went and sat next to tina and was like "i have a boyfriend ! i have a fucking boyfriend !! what do i do ?!"
and i was freaking out really badly.

and then eventually the bus hit up town,
and we went into Boulevard and used the bathrooms.
i looked like a hot mess if im being honest, i was soooo trashed.

then tina went off with this guy toby who shes like in love with and i was left to wait for my parents to go home.
they picked me up (THANK GOD - i was terribly vulnerable to be like abducted or something ay.. fucking hell)
and i dont remember anything else from when i got in the car to waking up this morning - STILL TIPSY.

far out.
so now im having the mad as guilt trip about all this.
and i have to call in at work sick because of the hangover.
jesus.

I HAVE ISSUES.

papillon.

Thu, 01 May 2008 08:34:42 GMT

i love that they named those little dogs after french butterflies.
cute.
i want to use it as my future daughters middle name or something.
im thinking, dahlia monroe papillon brown.
and i want to name a boy, sebastian ferris jericho brown.
theyre pretty awesome names actually.
im proud.. of the names of my kids that dont actually exist. HAH.

anyway that was a rather large tangent i went off on.

well the last two days have been.. rather eventful.
last night i stayed til late at my boyfriends flat,
and after sex (which was a bit painful, he kept hitting my cervix !!)
he initiated pillow talk and it eventually led to us talking about my OLD bulimia/anorexia problems,
and then i told him that i was actually quite afflicted by it again.
and so then for about an hour we talked about it, and it only reaffirmed to me that i think i love him..
he was just laughing and saying i was silly but it was so much better than that serious-faced "you need to get better and eat" reaction
he just hugged me really close to him and told me i was perfect how i was and that all of his friends had talked about how hot i was and stuff.
and then he spent ten minutes rubbing my hipbones and stroking my ribs a little because he hadnt realised they were there,
because before that i wouldnt let him touch them.
so yea, it was quite a bonding experience for me.

and today, well uni was gay.
i skipped a lecture, my friend accused me of being anorexic and i was so tired from powerwalking around campus all day that i couldnt muster the energy to get ready for the gym and collapsed in a heap on the couch.
GRRRRRRRRR !!

im off to go watch survivor fans VS favs.
night night.
X O X

damnit.

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 10:43:22 GMT

i think i still have bits of curdled milk stuck in my nostril.
yes, curdled milk.
sick.

i never thought id become this obsessive with purging,
but it seems that every couple of nights when everyones gone to bed,
ill get up and purge everything i had consumed that evening.
whether it was a lot or a little.

tonight it was a mixture of half a stewed plum,
milk (curdled)
and a bit of chocolate icing, because i baked my boyfriend & his flatmates a batch of afghan cookies
and couldn't resist a taste.

tasted awful (the vomit)
and the last two times i stuck my finger down,
it ended up coming out my nose in huge gushes.
(i had just drunk 2 glasses of water and i'd consumed a fair amount of milk as i got a weird craving for it)

i hate red foods.
every time i see them in the toilet bowl i have to look closer to make sure its not blood.
so stupid.

i cant believe im sitting here typing this.
i cant believe im bulimic.
i used to think bulimics were disgusting because they just couldnt control themselves, and so binged instead.
but its not like that for me..
i purge no matter what i eat,
so that my stomach always feels empty and hollow.

my bones are starting to crop up.
my knob at the nape of my neck is becoming prominent,
as is the continuous row of lumps down my spine,
my hip bones (theyre always the slowest)
and my collar bones are showing like crazy,
pretty sure theyre driving this wanarexic girl at my work a little bit crazy actually.

my teeth have started to look noticably bigger
(i remember before i was ana/mia, i always wondered why hilary duffs teeth looked so massive..
and then when mine looked the same a few months later i realised why.)
and my eyes look googly,
and cheekbones are starting to look more slantish and pronounced.
jawline is ridged, neck is sloping, and skin and hair are looking dull and unconditioned,
which i will have to do something about.

i think i need help.
my boyfriend is getting suspiscious,
as i wont let him put his hand on my stomach (even though he loves to hold me like that..)
and i wont get naked in front of him in the light.
it probably doesnt help either that the other night while we were watching that Biggest Loser program,
he and his flatmates commented on how the challenge was funny because it was making the fat people gorge themselves on donuts,
and that it was a crack up because they were probably just going to go "barf it up" afterwards.
and i got a bit offended and turned to the BF and said "thats not funny ! i used to be bulimic remember.."
because when we first got together, we had this huge long pillow talk conversation about how i had used to be ana/mia and was feeling self consciously fat
and that i promised him i would be losing weight quickly.
but he said i was perfect how i was (aw) and that if anyone was chunky it was him (because he used to be a lanky moose but now hes stocky and muscly and AHHHHHH DROOL i love him)

haha the other night he tried to give me a hickey on my breast in the dark so he couldnt see if it worked or not,
so in the morning when i was rugged up in his t shirt he shuffled over and pulled the front forward and down and blatantly stared down at my breasts to see if it had worked.. so funny !
but then i whacked him because hes a perv and i didnt want him to see my stomach while he was scoping out the "landscape".

i think i love him.

but shhh dont tell anybody.
its our little secret.

<3

gross.

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 21:39:11 GMT

i just purged a cup of diced apple..
DISGUSTING.
it was chunky and just.. ew.
i was trying to get rid of the 3 jellybeans that i ate AFTER the apple,
but alas it all came out.
which in hindsight is actually probably even better.
ive felt pretty sick the last few days,
im really really REALLY hoping im not pregnant.
that would supremely fuck things up.
i wish he would hurry up and just see me..

ugh i have to go get ready for uni.
laters !

wwwweekend.

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 10:39:01 GMT

pretty average actually.
friday night i did nothing because the BF was off climbing mountains.
he txted me on his way back into town though, so that was sweet.
saturday i spent my day reading Jane Eyre and gymed it a little.
climbed Mount Sugarloaf with the family on friday as well actually,
still sore from that cos it was all bloody UPHILL.
ill survive though, cos im toughhhh ;) hahaha.

saturday night i went over to kelseys (new best friend) house and got our crunk on,
then got a ride over to one of her good friends drinks out in riccarton.
and OMG.. DRAMAS.

kelseys ex's best mates turned up and fully snobbed her, and kept asking for her good friend,
so kels started crying and was like "shes fucking done it again, shes gone and fucked Hepi, shes slept with 6 of my exes why am i still friends with her ?!"
and i was like, too drunk to know what the hell was going down, so i just hugged the poor babe and told her to txt someone to pick us up
(her mum it turned out to be)
so we went to wait outside, and the shit hit the fan when her friend walked over to ask why we were leaving (TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS..)
and kels was trying to act like there was nothing wrong, so her friend walked away and started TALKING to kels' exes friends,
and kels heard her name get mentioned by her friend so she fuckin blew her top and sent her friend a txt saying "DONT FUKN MENTION MY NAME U SLAG"
as her mum pulled up and picked us up (in a bloody gorgeous BMW by the way..)

so we went back to kels' place in cashmere and were planning her bestie Elliot to pick us up in his car nd take us into town,
where we were going to go buy some herbal highs and trip out on the Strip.
BUT, then we found out that he was being a skeeze and had gotten to kelseys friends drinks just after we left and didnt want to leave..
so much for a best friend.
then we were so fucked we decided to go to sleep,
but then i was like "screw this, i wanna sleep in my own bed cos its so early"
so i got my dad to pick me up, wandered out into the street in my hot little silk boxers and blouse PJ top (i still rock fashion when i sleep haha)
and froze my ass off.
BUT YES, it was a bloody interesting saturday.

and now its sunday, and i have just worked a fairly long shift and am now tired and sore.
im going to do pilates for the second time today to try and make up for the fact that
A. i got NO cardio today because when i went to go for a run after work, it had already gotten pitch dark
B. i ate so much lthis morning cos of my mean as hangover.. FUCK

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

tomorrow ive decided im limiting myself to a cigarette (only one), an orange, two cups of hoodia tea, and whatevers for dinner.
on top of that ill be going for a run down to the reserve when i get home from uni, and doing pilates when i wake up.

im thinking, this is my days plan:
9am - wake up
          make a mug of hoodia tea, smoke a rollie
          straighten hair
          organise outfit
          organise bag (books, pens, diary, Jane Eyre, refill)
10am - get dressed
             do make up and style hair
             figure out bus timetable
             txt jang, yaxley and shanks
11am - get ready to catch bus
             catch at 1130ish
             transfer at northlands to orbiter
12pm - get to uni, buy a drinkbottle and go to library
             go to the loft, write down a list on refill of what i have to do for the day
             go up to level 11 and study all AMST notes for test on wednesday
             write up a to do list for the Jane Eyre assignment
             txt dad to remind of notebook laptop quote needed to send off
2pm - buy fish or avocado sushi for dinner from the uni cafe (put in fridge when at home)
          bus home, catch the orbiter to northlands at quarter past 2 and catch the bus home at 230ish
          get home around 3pm, get changed and take fletcher up to the reserve for a run and into the dog park to socialise
          drink 2 glasses of water in a row to rehydrate
4pm - try to finish Jane Eyre, or at least another 5 chapters
          study AMST notes and print all missed notes out from Blackboard on the printer
          highlight all study notes
          plan tuesdays activites (lectures, calling in sick to work ("hip injury"), extra study, lunchtime catchups etc)

THERE, that should do for now.
ill have to have a squiz at this tomorrow morning.

LOVE LOVE.

lately.

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 12:24:36 GMT

so its 11:58pm and im not asleep.. what a surprise !
i just ran into work to do a 3 hour emergency shift because one of the new girls didnt show
how lovely.
it was okay though, it flew by cos i was working with some cool cats.

it took my mind off purging too, seeing as i practically inhaled some french fries when my dad brought takeaways home
(the stupid fuckers at Burger King had put in an extra box of fries.. i dont have dinner so they get given to me. hurrah... ugh)
i'll just try and burn it off tomorrow though,
its ANZAC day here in nz tomorrow so everyone has the day off to do stuff,
but my gym will be closed so i have to find some other intensive exercise.
ill probably go for a run, and then after that try and do something outdoorsy.

speaking of outdoorsy,
my boyfriend has gone away for 3 days on a hiking trip to Mount Peel,
up near Ashvegas with his brother and his brothers friend.
but before he left i got to spend wednesday and thursday morning with him.. heres what went down.

wednesday arvo i headed over to his flat, where he said he would be,
but when i got there he wasnt there cos him and his flatty had gone up to the "supermarket" (to get weed from a friend)
so i was left alone at the flat for 45 mins with his other flatty, who is a total sweetheart and spent half an hour chatting with me..
and may i mention, he is bloody AMAZINGLY good looking. a complete stunner.
i really do not know why he doesnt have a girlfriend ay.
but its kinda cute cos he gives me some attention as one of the girls he knows so its nice ^_^
anyway, at this point in time after some flirting, i think i managed to spark a crush on him.
OOPSY.
doesnt matter anyway, i love my guy to bits.

anyway, so the bf got back and took me and his flatty to this other flat round the corner to go get baked
while watching that buzzy animal documentary, Blue Planet ?
amazing ay, i did spots for the first time and they were brill.
after that me and the bf headed out to pick up munchies for the boys (6 scoops of chips, 5 fried fish and 2 burgers HAHAHAHA)
and the ladies in the fish and chip shop were hard out sussing us up cos we had blazing red eyes.
it was very unnerving to say the least lol..
so yea, everyone ate their crap and we headed back to the home flat to watch telly (watched a comedy show that was on)
then other flatties went to bed and i gave the bf a handjob on the couch hehe..
after a few minutes i hear (surprise surprise) "im really sleepy.... lets go to bed"
so we head to bed..

and had sex twice in a row. (IT WAS AMAZING, NEVER BEEN THAT GOOD BEFORE)
and as we were about to go to sleep, these girls that are friends with all the guys in the flat came over, completely trolleyed off their nuts.
they were kicking and banging at the doors of all the rooms and screaming (example "*** WE NEEEEED TO TAAAAAAAAAAAAALK")
it was pretty fucking hilarious actually. so after awhile we got up and laughed at their drunken antics, it was cool.
except one of the chicks used to go out with my bf, and i heard from one of my best friends who was talking to her one night (she knows her)
that this chick is still majorly like, IN LOVE with my boyfriend.
not cool.
so now ive got a severe dislike for her.
last night i caught her perving up the bf in his boxers
(oh yea, they walked in on us naked in bed. i bet that was nice for her.. HAHAHA)
and i like, gave her the mad evils.
but it was so rank, shes actually SOOO FAT and really uggas.
like, heinously ugly.
ew.
shes like a man who tried to become a woman and failed miserably.
my bf definitely upgraded a few fucking THOUSAND levels.
(im not modest at all.. sorry)

so yea,
then once the drunk ladies left, we went back to bed.
and when i thought i was about to go to sleep..
we have sex again.
and it was flipping fantastic.
so.. sex three times in 3 hours. yummy.
and then this morning when we had to get up early (so he could go on his hiking thing)
he was about to go have a shower but he turned the fan heater on and jumped into bed and just spooned and held me for half an hour.
i actually was lying there thinking "omg.. i think i love this guy.."
hes just beautiful.

so then i went home and he left for Mt Peel.
and i wont see him til ummm sunday ?
yeahhhh.
but im having a girls night with one of my besties whos skinny and gorgeous on Saturday night.
bought a new 100 dollar dress at a boutique shop in town yesterday for it too.. yay !
ill wear it with leggings and my black boots (its a slinky dress) and rockin hair and makeup. woo !
tasty tasty.

on top of all of this,
a year 13 girl who i used to go to school with has totally inspired me.
i just gave myself a makeover with her as inspiration,
and may i say, i look fucking hot.
i gave myself these choppy bangs/side bangs and heaps of layers in my hair (i used to cut my own hair all the time)
and tried some darker eye makeup and pink lippy with eyeliner.. i look like a glam rockstar, fucking sexy.
right on.

k tank this im heading to bed to read my book.
Charlotte Bronte knew what she was talking about.
reppin for Jane Eyre baby.

X O X

this recent weekend.

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 06:53:00 GMT

sooo things have been crap i guess.
not in a general sense of the word i suppose.
ive just been eating quite a bit because of certain things,
like today for example ive been slumming it with my food habits because im severely hungover.

last night was my friends birthday party,
and omg.. it was amazing.
we got completely trolleyed (i havent been that trolleyed in AGES)
and got driven around town in this remodeled old ford car which was worth quite a bit of money.
it was so much fun, and even funnier is that even though it felt like it went on for ages,
we actually ended up crashing in bed at like 1130.. super early !

i was pretty good with my alcohol though, i drank like 200 mls of vodka throughout the night
mixed with diet coke = way less cals than there could have been.
and vodka is like, an alcoholic smackdown for me.
the stuff just knocks me sideways haha.
good times and good photos (well, not GOOD..) taken to remember it.
and ill be doing it all over again next weekend with the same chick, should be great !

i miss my boyfriend though..
and i feel really paranoid about like, the fact that hes been away in dunedin for the weekend for a 21st.
cos like, some of his friends were joking around about how they should all dump their girlfriends because it was going to be so wild..
um thanks for freaking me out ?!
im fucking scared he mightve done something, im so worried
i cant handle that again after what the last guy did to me - went away up north for a month over new years and happened to see his ex.
wasnt fun and it broke us up majorly.
i really really like this guy.. so much.
if i get fucked over because some little cuntfaced bitchweasel has tried to put the moves on my guy,
i swear there will be sweat blood and tears.
sweat - ill be feeling at my lowest and will be pounding the gym.
blood - ill probably end up cutting and scarring myself again.
tears - ill be crying for weeks..

PLEASE DONT LET ANYTHING HAVE HAPPENED :(
just bring him back to me in two days with a smile on his face and an open heart.
please.

x o x

back to normals.

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 12:48:00 GMT

so my freak out moment ceased a little.

boyfriend ended up coming back into christchurch on weds night cos it was raining in ashvegas,
too wet to paint.
so stayed at the flat with him and watched the simpsons movie
and a little television.
while he lectured me on how it was bad to be taking hoodia tea to not eat,
and making me eat cookies.
(i only had a teensy piece, hadnt eaten all day anyway so not much harm done, burnt it off later anyway..)

then we went to bed.
and may i just say..
WOO WEE.
he sure knows how to set off my fireworks.
very very nice.

i told him earlier that night that i had missed him.
and he said in bed before sex that he had missed me too.
though im rather suspiscious about the timing haha,
and i let him know. of course, he just made it into a joke and made me giggle.
ahhhhhh <33333333

i think ill really miss him this week.
but at the same time, it gives me a week to tune myself up physically before he gets back.
i want him to be able to stroke my ribs and grab my hipbones in bed.
he kinda was already last night, but at the same time he likes to run his had across my stomach,
and i feel bad cos every time he does it i squirm and push him away haha.
oh well, big bloated belly will be gone soon.
byebye belly.

tomorrow should be pretty chilled out.
busing to riccarton mall to buy best friend scott a DVD for us to watch while stoned on sunday.
fantasia isnt available in NZ at the moment so i was thinking of getting that new anime called Paprika.
it looks INSANELY trippy. even if you were watching it sober haha.
before i go there ill take flets for a run to the dog park,
and organise some more flatting biz.

OH YEA.
im planning on going flatting within the next month or so.
should be around 100 a week including power/phone/internet and then another 70 bucks on top of that for food, alcohol, toiletries etc.
i think i can handle that ay.

cant wait to be out of home and able to experience the flatting life.
hope i get cool flatties tho or ill be pissed.
i dont want some nerdz.
but i dont want some skinny bitch either.
id rather flat with guys actually.
i get guys, and they get me. in a non manly way.
actually they usually end up liking me.
but its good that way. you can milk the lust for all its worth hahaha.

anyway i am dog tired !
gonna head to bed now.
tomorrow:
BREAKFAST - hoodia tea and glass of water.
LUNCH - at the mall so no lunch.
SNACK - banana.
DINNER - nothing, maybe a coffee.

total must be under 500 cals.
had a bingey day today.
ate a lot of fucking cereal.
I HATE CARBS.

X O X

fuck this.

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 23:26:55 GMT

i havent eaten anything today except half an orange.

and even though thats a victory for me,
i still end up being unhappy.

my boyfriend hasnt been home in a week cos he was at a management camp.
i thought i would get to see him tomorrow and the day after before he left for dunedin for his friends 21st
(which i cant go to with him cos of work)
BUT he just txted me saying that he has to go to ashburton for two days for something.

I WONT GET TO SEE HIM FOR ANOTHER FUCKING WEEK.
i cant take this.
two fucking weeks.
im sitting here crying cos im so angry.

this isnt fair.

april 15th

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 12:40:11 GMT

technically its the 14th..
well for me still anyway
i was stupid enough to have a coffee before bed and now im screwed
cant sleep
and i fucking have work tomorrow
oh well

today is the first day in ages that ive actually felt fully in control
and back on track

i had small meals consisting mainly of vegetables and a little bit of fruit
at 9 am
1pm and 6pm (i cooked dinner for the family but left out the gross stuff in mine)
and i didnt snack at all
just drank lots of water

i think the trick is to keep myself busy
today i walked the dog a few kilometres away at woodend beach
walked several miles up the beach and back
and did pilates this morning too
ill do it again before i go to bed

im still sick with the flu so i cant push myself too hard

tomorrow i plan to wake up and take the dog for a run up to the nature reserve
around the track and back home
maybe pilates too
then i have to wash my hair, and bus up to the mall
to buy my best friends birthday present
(im buying him Fantasia DVD, were both going to get baked and watch it on sunday;
plus i never get munchies so i dont mind it at all)
and a new dress
and if i can find it, the Mighty Boosh DVD
it is HILARIOUS
i love it so much

the bfs been away on some management camp the last 5 days
i dont think ill get a change to see him tomorrow,
probably on wednesday
and then ill be able to stay over
sexytiiiiiiiiiiime

im mainly doing this whole thing again for him
i mean, some of its for my mental wellbeing too
but i want him to look at me and be like
"damn straight, thats my beautiful, skinny girlfriend"
not a fat blob

my goal is to lose a KG a week
or close to it
and i want to lose ten KGs in total for my goal weight
five to get to my short term goal weight
(which i used to be below by 2 kgs before i started eating normally again)

i will definitely not take up smoking again
it was fucking with my lungs so badly
i feel good to be (mostly) free of it
except i had two tonight when i was with scott
i guess cos i felt left out - they were bonging it and i was too sick to

anyway
plan for tomorrow food wise is pretty basic and flexible
im thinking..
coffee for breakfast (30)
GO FOR RUN
WASH/DRY HAIR
GET CHANGED
GO TO MALL
(home)
eat apple and litre bottle of water for lunch (50)
PILATES
eat skim yogurt
GO TO WORK TIL TEN PM
(home)
eat normal dinner (400)

so technically its under 500
plus ill probably burn about 200/300 cals on the run
and another 50 with the pilates at least
so thats like.. 200 calories for the day
fingers crossed i can do it !

wish me luck pussycats
xoxox

getting better

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:55:38 GMT

things are looking up,
surprisingly

the boyfriend and i have started hanging out more again
he had like 3 assignments due in the last week of term
so after all that other dilemma.. i still didnt get to see him to hash things out

fortunately, its the holidays now
that means time to see him almost everyday

except hes kind of in a bit of trouble at the moment
last friday, there was this uni break up thing where everyone went into town dressed in old school uniforms
(couldnt go cos i had lectures still)
and he went into town and got like, seriously pissed
im talking, chugging back drinks from 11am til 5pm
and he got arrested for assault
ASSAULT
he assaulted some bouncer at Iconic and got his ass arrested on the pavement
and the dear has some lovely grazes and bruises to prove it
fucking pigs, one day theyll get their due, trying to manhandle people just cos they can

anyway,
he has court on friday
but hes going to plead diversion because hes never been arrested before
and to be honest, hes really not the kind to be
thats why i feel bad for him, hes kinda stressing
anyway, apart from that i kinda got antsy leaving him to drink the night away in town
i mean, how many slutty schoolgirls would there have been right ?
i guess ill never know if the loyalty slipped.. mind you, from what ive heard, neither would he
doesnt remember much
not a good thing..

relative to this,
ive spent the last 2 nights over at the flat staying with him
it feels nice to be close to him again
he always hugs and spoons me before we go to sleep and when we wake up
and he kisses me on the forehead and warms me up when im cold
(cos hes like a human radiator, i swear hed put Jacob Black out of work)
(FYI; twilight reference for all those dumb enough not to have read it)
and last night, he even called me TINY and told me i didnt need as much duvet
haha
<3 ill never argue with someone who calls me tiny..

so, on top of all this,
last friday my grandfather passed away
it was rather tragic really, he was at the doctors surgery and all of a sudden he collapsed from a heart attack
onto the floor
the ambulance came, and tried to recusitate him but after half an hour they were about to stop
but then they felt his heart beating itself, so they raced him to hospital
WHILE this was going on, the surgery called my dad who got put on the phone to grandma,
but she was a mess so rushed down to the surgery and had to witness them working on grandad on the floor of the doctors room

by the time grandad got to hospital and sorted,
he was clinically braindead as he wasnt responding to any pupil tests or anything
but he was still breathing and heart beating so they just let him live it out
until his last breath
and then he passed away early friday morning

so,
tomorrow is his funeral
and i can tell its going to be a sobstory
everyone will be bawling, me included
i have to do the offertory procession with my cousin Courts
and my brother has to be a pallbearer because theres only 5 siblings
fingers crossed it goes well..
miss you grandad X O X

apart from these things ?
not much has been going on
im not happy but not upset
im not skinny but im gradually getting there
and im not complete but im almost topped up

lets hope that perhaps this week will bring some good fortune to those of us who need it,
yea ?
goodnight pussycats
x x x

31st of MARCH 2OO8

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 05:12:49 GMT

so today was an average day
the bus route finally began near my house,
so i ventured the bus ride into university to drop off my english essay (9 pages long)
and went to the university bookshop so buy some magazines to entertain and inspire me
(harper's bazaar, nylon, russh & celebrity hair and beauty)
cost me 45 bucks, but oh well

my greatest influence at the moment though would seem to be,
well, a few people actually,
agyness deyn (her natural edge and DGAF persona are striking)
mary kate olsen (i fucking LOVE the Louboutin heels she wears)
and LiLo (just because whatever suits her suits me - ive been told uncountable times that i look like her)

ive decided there are a few essentials i will be needing for winter
- a mens blazer, fashionably cut of course
- louboutin-esque heels
- a grey minidress
- a fawn pashmina scarf
- a black & white chequered mens shirt
- new long leggings/treggings
- well built knee high flat black winter boots
if i get all these things, i will surely be a happy camper

anyway
the boyfriend front seems rather stagnant still
he texted me as he said he would
but hes taking a really long time to txt me back at all
i know that hes busy with assignments but..
you dont just leave something that happened like that out to cool for a week
its just screwing with my head
thinking about some of the things IIIIIIII ended up doing too !
i didnt even remember half of them till today
it was all retaliation action though

on the bright side though,
ive decided im going to get the tattoo ive been planning
sometime this week or next week

its a small line across my left wrist
in times new roman font
saying
"ashes to ashes"
with a double symbol kind of like this ~ before it
except its the double wave Aquarius symbol
so its personalised to me

i was going to get my birthdate done in roman numerals across the same place
but then, theres no roman numeral for the number Zero
so im fucked
none of that for me : (

ANYWAY
my best friend will be here soon to pick me up
his names scott
hes a babe, i loves him to bits
BUT i havent seen him in like 4 weeks cos of uni !!
it sucks ay
plus he used to like me and then i went and flaunted dave in his face
not the nicest thing ever
im a heinous bitch when im drunk !

goodnight pussycats
x x x x x x x x x

2 O O 8 ...

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 07:27:44 GMT

wow so it really has been a long time since ive been on here..
and consequently, i put on about 5 kgs over/around christmas
DISGUSTING
and im beginning to regain my little eating tendencies again
the good ones i mean, like not eating meals and drinking gallons upon gallons of ice water
tht kind of thing

ive had a terrible weekend
once again, i have myself a new boyfriend
we've been officially going out.. for a week nw
nt very long if i think about it really

he's gorgeous and amazing
the best catch i've had i think
at least i thought so ?
im not so sure anymore
he's tall and tanky with dark tan skin and light brown hair
he hugs like a bear and kisses like a man should
he's a good lover and his third leg.. well (jesus dnt get me started)
plus he's a model for the university tht we both go to
ive been told i should join the same modelling thing, but thts another story..

so on friday night,
i went to a uni society bbq and met him there cos none of my friends were going
nd i got there nd eventually found him,
but it took me awhile
anyway, his flatties and friends are amazingly awesome nd they kept me company the whole time
(alcohol was free - i fully boozed it up :[ )
BECAUSE, the whole 2 nd a half hours of the BBQ, my usually doting bf was busy talking to other ppl
it started with just his friends
and then he started flirting with girls
i dnt know if he knew i could see or not
i dont really care
he really upset me so his good friend kathy (awesome chick) and flatty kohan (awesome guy and pretty hot actually) started filling me up with alcohol in an attempt to make me happy
but it didnt help

after the BBQ everyone started leaving across the field
and i expected dave to finally come and talk to me and be with me
but instead he was off cavorting with a girl called fletch who hes friends with
this wouldnt be a problem
except for the fact that fletch and dave used to go out
and i have found out from a friend that she is madly in love with him
MADLY
on top of all this, fletch is an uggaz bitch
and im not just exaggerating - shes top notch fugly material
which pisses me off even more, because without sounding right bonkers,
im not exactly average looking if u get my drift..

anyway, i got frustrated and walked off to hang out with kathy and kohan
and a few guys kept grabbing me and like, holding onto me nd stuff
that kinda pissed me off too cos i wanted to be left alone unless it was dave
got hit by a few cold sausages because i was standing with the guys who were having a sausage war over the fence
that was fairly painful

dave ran off across the field without the rest of us
and without me
i was too drunk to give a shit though
i took off on one of the guys' little skater bikes
hed spraypainted it pink, so i looked pretty mean flying past people at high speed as they walked
but then i went back in a circle and when i got off the bike i topped myself and ended witha huge bruise on my leg

AND THE WORST HASNT EVEN BEGUN TO HAPPEN YET

everyone went back to the university bar/pub thing
for the next 4 hours
i saw dave when i first got there but after that, he was gonezo the whole time
so i just hung out with kathy and kohan and drank some more
(on top of the excessive alcohol consumption, i had the flu and had spent the day doing stressful tasks and missing buses etc - had already had a REALLY bad day)
had a few cigarettes and chilled out with more of daves flatties
everytime me and kathy looked around to see where he was,
he was off flirting with girls
and everytime i saw it, the knife in my gut felt like it had been twisted that little bit more

eventually, me and kathy and kohan were making fun of this slutty whore who was wandering round without a bra on, trying to chat up guys and flaunt her scody nipples to any guy that would look
we were actually disgusted by her whoriness

then about half an hour later, who do i see dave talking to ?
slutty nipple girl
that was IT for me
i just burst into tears at the table and ran off behind a tree nearby so dave couldnt see me
kathy followed after and was wiping the tears off my face telling me to go give him a whats what talk
but i just couldnt, i didnt know what to say to him
i just cried and cried
and ran off to the toilets for a bit
kohan was patting me on the back and telling me to cheer up,
saying that dave always talks to people and that was the way he is
but it didnt help much - my boyfriend has spent the last 6 hours talking to almost every girl in the vicinity except me
i sat back at the table for a bit but i definitely still had tears in my eyes
dave eventually came over to the table,
but by then i was pouring salt into the wound by flirting with the other guys at the table to feel better
when i sat down,
he came over and was asking me what was wrong
but i just kept saying "talk to kathy, ask kathy"
knowing that she would probably blow her nut at him
but he wouldnt talk to her
he just kept asking me, so i told him
i just blurted something like "well, youve spent the whole night talking to everyone BUT me,
and you keep ignoring me, and everytime i go to look for you youre talking to another girl.."
and i just started crying again
and kohan was sitting next to me practically talking in my ear saying things like "its alright, stop crying" and patting me on the back
and i just couldnt look at dave anymore so i got up and walked away

eventually everyone started to leave to go to the fish nd chip shop
(dont worry, i didnt eat any of it - im not that stupid)
and dave took my hand and took me away from everyone else and was talking to me
saying sorry and stuff
but i was still upset and crying
so he just hugged me and tried to cheer me up
i waited outside with fletch and kohan at the fish n chip shop
and when dave came out he grabbed my hand and started to make me walk back to the flat with him
and he kept asking what he did wrong
and i started crying all over again
and just as it started raining (how typical)
his friend pulled over and gave us a ride back to the flat

back at the flat, pav (cool guy) and pavs friend were chilling in the lounge
and i didnt want to be alone with dave so i walked straight in there when we got back
and we just sat in there for awhile
and pav was backing me up in the argument
dave seemed a bit pissed off

then i gave him his present that id been keeping for him the whole night
(like FUCK he deserved it - a brand new Huffer t shirt bought out of my own pay)
and he cheered up and was all like thanks and shit
and then he grabs my hand and goes "come to my room and help me choose stuff to wear with it.."
and drags me off
so there we are in his room,
we lie down (im absolutely drunk and tired at this point, i just want to sleep. plus im sick with the flu)
and i end up giving him a hand job while he writhes around moaning
and then hes like "this isnt fair" and pretty much made me have sex with him
(it was crazily short cos i had to leave)
next thing i know, my mums waiting outside to pick me up at the time i said,
but im ten minutes late thanks to daves "needs"
and shes psyching it at me

saturday - hardly and txts except a convo about how hes really busy this next week with tests and study
sunday - i txt him at lunchtime and dont get a txt back until 7 hours later, and even then it only lasts
about 5 txts until he says "i gtg ill txt u 2mora xo"

i spent all today crying
and i cried again
FOR THE RECORD; i hardly ever cry
only when i feel emotionally fucked over

i dont want this to end
but i just read everything i wrote as i typed it
and i just cant believe that he did all of that to me in the space of 6 hours
it makes me really teary
and i just something he takes for granted and then takes advantage of ?
does he hate me because i spent 6 hours with his flatmates ?
does he not like me anymore because of all that GIGS (grass is greener syndrome) bullshit ?

i cant take stuff like this
it screws me up emotionally and mentally
i have a constant knot in my stomach and i cant eat
(a good thing)
everytime i think about him i feel like im being stabbed and winded
and tears flow out my eyes

why do i keep getting fucked over
im so good to the boyfriends i have
i give them everything and never expect anything in return
why do they never see that
all i want is to be treated with respect and adoration some of the time

he used to kiss me on the forehead
i think ill die if i never get that back.

pray for me.
love,
the emotionally winded and stabbed Laura.

STARTING AFRESH.

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 09:59:34 GMT

okay so, in the last two months or so i have regained about 6 kgs.
SIX KGS.
it astounds me.

its like, after i broke up with my ex i just lost control.
he used to keep me in control, telling me that if i ate a burger id have to go to the gym and stuff.
sounds bitchy, but it helped me.

anyway.
now im a fat lump.
i dont even like going out in public lately.
its distressing !!
i have to change this. once and for all.
no more nice girl.

i have decided that i am no longer going to snack on ANYTHING.
im no longer going to give in to chocolate, biscuits, chips, cake, icecream, lollies, or fizzy drink.
ITS ALL GONE-ZO BABY !

my diet plan for tomorrow is:

breakfast
black coffee 0cals               REAL = black coffee & 1/2 sugar pear = 70cals (oops)

GYM 1 HOUR - negative 500 cals

morning tea
glass of iced water 0cals

WALK/RUN - negative 300 cals

lunch
5 almonds 40cals

before work
glass of milk 40cals

WORK - 4 HOURS

dinner
nothing; will be at heff's farewell party
must restrain from eating anything at all
no drinks either

TOTAL SHOULD REACH: 150 cals consumed
                                                 800 cals burned
                                                 = NEGATIVE 650 CALS.

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 10:00:25 GMT

i cant wait till i move out of my house,
itll be great.
when im a student, struggling to live in a flat and pay all my bills,
itll be a RELIEF to know i wont have to go out and buy a whole lot of junk food and fill up the cupboards and waste money like my mum does.
im going to buy like,
lettuce, cucumber, skim cappuccino sachets and sucaryl.
that is fucking all lol.
and i am going to be a stick insect by the third year of university, i swear to god.
all that study to keep me preoccupied as well, its just fabulous.

so, i had a pretty shit day today,
but there wasnt much i could do about it.
potential for success, but i caved.
its this nagging insecurity in the back of my head as to whether i can do this again or not.
i know i can, but then i just have that annoying twanging..

anyway,
my day was started off great until i got into study (around lunchtime) with my friend and we got into a heart to heart chat.
she was telling me she thinks shes pregnant,
and i was telling her that i was very close to being there as well at one point.
it turned into a big girly chat, and she then had to bring out the chocolate for comforting.
and bloody offer me some.
chocolate you see, is one of my biggest weaknesses.
from this point on, im not going to let it be.
anyway, after three bites of choc, i felt pissed off.

for lunch, i had half an apple.
the lady at the school canteen looked horrified when i asked her for one,
as i highly doubt any of the little piglets at my school have ever bought one off her before.
theyre always buying muffins and pastries and burgers and shit.
UGH.

i was fine, until i got home and realised i had work for the next 6 hours..
not fun.
especiially if my stomach is growling while im serving customers, it makes me feel very "vomity".
so mum was like "you have to have tea before you leave"
and so i made a tortilla wrap with lettuce inside and ate that..
then came the binge !
i had another lettuce wrap, two small slices of rice bread, 6 grapes, a corn pattie and then some more grapes.
UGH !!

i was fucked off at myself, obviously.
but tomorrow will be good again.

MY PLAN FOR TOMORROW:

breakfast: cappuccino - 30 cals.

morning tea: bottle of water - 0 cals.

lunchtime: coleslaw with grated carrot and dressing - 50 cals.

afternoon tea: green tea - 0 cals.

dinner: something under 200 cals.

snack: small apple - 50 cals.

TOTAL CALORIES: 330 cals.

TICKER..

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 08:44:33 GMT

TICKER..

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 08:42:41 GMT

sunday the twenty - first of october..

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 22:09:01 GMT

so..
this is an entry about the happenings of late,
and the adventures i got myself involved in late last night.. lol.

so, on friday the nineteenth, my boyfriend of two months dumped me,
because apparently he has issues at the moment that he needs to sort out (i can vouch for that..)
he has like 3 grand in debt, a wreck of a car, and hasnt been in a long term relationship in about 2 years.
so, unsurprisingly, he broke up with me.
he says he still loves me, and that he just needs time,
but..
i dont wait around for people to just come and go as they please.
once its over, its over.
so, when that txt came through, (oh yes, i forgot to mention that ?),
i obviously started bawling my eyes out and ran out of the common room at school.
my best friends all ran after me and held my hands and hugged me as i cried my heart out.
it was difficult, i loved him and he loved me, so it was yea.. really difficult to understand.

one of my best friends, lets call her.. monkey.
she offered to take me out last night to a party of one of her ex's friends.
i think it was his 18th or something ? irrelevant, anyway.
and i was, of course, all for getting smashed and tipsy, so i agreed to come along.

after work last night, i came home, got ready and monkey and her ex picked me up in his car.
eventually we got to the party, it was in hoon hay somewhere. pretty far out.
there were about 100 people there at a rough estimate, which was cool but at the same time,
i knew a grand total of about 5 people. so that was weird to begin with.
me and monkey had a few drinks, and i met some of her ex's friends.
i thought one of them was really hot, and pointed him out to monkey.
she remembered his name after awhile, (lets just call him TV) and was like "ohhh, thats TV ! hes friends with (insert all popular girls' names here)" which obviously unnerved me a bit.
but i hadnt had a chance to talk to him, so i kind put it in the back of my mind.

then later on, me, monkey, her ex and one of his friends were sitting down for a couple of ciggies,
and monkey's ex goes "TV thinks youre hot" and monkey and i just looked at eachother and giggled,
and monkey turned to her ex and goes "she thinks TV's hot too !"
but, the ex had also told TV that if he went near me he was destined to be the rebound guy and that put him off a bit.
and the two of them did their little schemeing thing and wanted to get the ball rolling.
by this point i was pretty mellow, id drunk a third of a bottle of chardon, two pineapple vodka cruisers, and half a bottle of bernadino. plus two cigarettes, which i only smoke when i go out (sometimes) so they had quite a strong effect.

after awhile, monkey, her ex and some of his friends forced (and i mean PHYSICALLY pushed me lol) me and TV to chat.
he was so amazingly nice and a gentleman, but really didnt want to be a rebound guy.
but i convinced him he wouldnt be, because i move on quickly from people.
so with that said, we strolled down the back of the section for a chat in private lol..
we talked for a bit, and he told me he had been planning on going into town that night,
but decided not to because he wanted to spend time with me. awwww !
then monkey and the ex interuppted and came and sat with us down the back, and then some of TV's friends came down too,
because they were doing the whole "ooooo, TV's got his eyeeee on someoneeee !" thing,
which really was annoying me but at the same time, i like attention so yea.. meh lol.

the shit however, hit the fan when TV went off to talk to his friend for "10 seconds, i promise",
and i started talking to monkey and ex.
the mistake i made, was standing up.
i slipped backwards, INTO THE RIVER.
drenched, from top to toe, in river water.
my dress, my hair, my cellphone !
all sopping wet.
the guys helped me out and fished out my heels, which had gotten stuck in the bottom of the river.
lol and TV came over and was like "what the hell just happened ?"
so amazingly embarassing,
i was cold and wet and starting to freeze (it was a very very cold night)

the ex went and got me a sleeping bag to huddle under,
and some of the host's sisters and her friends took me in the house and gave the the hairdryer and told me to take a hot shower to warm up and to get changed.
i didnt want to though, so i just dried my hair, fixed my face and went outside again.

TV looked after me for the last few hours, giving me cuddles and rubbing my feet (which were frozen numb for about 3 hours, i thought i mightve had frostbite in all honesty)
and we had some kisses,
so all in all, the night was a success, even if i did manage to make a COMPLETE twat out of myself.
the ex took me, monkey, TV and his friends all home in his car,
and i txted TV before i went to sleep.

now its morning,
and i feel so embarassed but unsure of what to do with myself lol.
ANYWAY,
here are todays stats so far.

YESTERDAY DINNER
pizza slice = 300 cals (i was drunk and didnt care what i was putting in my mouth.. grrr !)

BREAKFAST
skim cappuccino = 20 cals
chia bread = 100 cals

LUNCH
mushroom = 40 cals
cucumber = 10 cals
spinach = 50 cals

PHYSICAL
100 x rope;
5 mins sprints;
100 x obliques;
100 x abdominal swiss.
= negative 200 cals ?

TOTAL
320 calories.