i finally feel.. fixed.
like my body has been reset into starvation mode.
it feels like victory. complete victory.

i realised tonight, one of the things i have to do to distract me in the evening from snacking and adding calories
is to pretty drastically shut myself away in my room.
i just spent the last 5 hours watching Roswell episodes (i love michael and maria - plus, is it just me or did she get really skinny towards the last series?) and tidying my room while blasting angry/depressive music (i'm currently indulging in some 'Jenny Don't Be Hasty').
now it's prettymuch tidy.
so my treat to myself is to write in here.

i've latched onto hot drinks again.
i went through a phase where i obviously didn't understand their importance in the starvation mode.
(by starvation i'm talking anorexic tendencies stuff)
but the last two days i've prettymuch been living off tea and coffee and diet tonic water.
it's like a switch has been flipped in my brain.

and it couldn't have come at a better time.
the end of lecture's big party/gathering/event at university is happening next friday.
and i need (NEED) to be thinner by then.
if i run into my exes (any of them), i want them to see how much i've changed.
to show off.
my and my best friend are going as gypsies.
she found these amazing eye jewels in takaka last weekend at some hippie store.
i have a short tie dye skirt and a singlet top to wear with leather sandals and a headscarf.
plus copious amounts of fat-hiding fake tan.

another benefit - if by then, i'm hardly consuming any calories, the alcohol will hit me like a motherbitch.
and i A. won't have to pay as much for drinks and B. won't have as many calories.

my best friend.. she acts like she's on a diet and hardly eating anything but it is SUCH a lie.
she wants so badly to think she is eating like someone with an eating disorder.
like the other day, i went over for lunch and i was like "wow i didn't realise how hungry i was, i guess i forgot breakfast" (absentmindedly), and she springs back within half a second with, "OH I DIDNT HAVE BREAKFAST EITHER.. YEAH.." and i could blantantly see cereal and food wrappers on the bench (she was home alone, her family was away).
things like that, annoy me.
but then i know that she's at least 3 times bigger than me anyway, so i'm not too worried.

fuck.
my wisdom tooth hurts so bad.
but i'm so scared of getting it checked this weekend..
what if i have to get it taken out?
then i would have to go under anaesthesia.. and the thought of that freaks me out.
not having control about whether i'm asleep or not.. eeeeeek.
ow i'm going to go take some more codeine.
hah, start another habit.. not.

goodnight.

Current Mood: aggravated

 things are weird

i feel all alone
people don't  get me
i need people who get me
i realised today that some of the only people who are in a social group i want to be in are people who i thought were just T.C. in highschool
but now i wish i had made more of an effort

i should've taken advantage of the (apparently obvious) idolism they showered upon me
when i lost 20 kgs in a couple of months and looked rather skinny
everyday it was "what do you have for lunch?" "what do you think i should get while i'm out for lunch at the mall? you would know the perfect thing" "wow drinking water means you dont get hungry?"
BLAH BLAH BLAH
but i loved the attention secretly

anyway
i need a new social group
mine isnt doing anything for my sick, sad case of elitism

and a new guy
i need a guy who is basically d___
just more attentive
and who needs sex like an animal
isnt afraid to just grab me when i come over and throw me down onto the bed
i think that is SO hot

oh and who also has a good social group
i shouldve been born a lord's daughter or something, honestly
its twisted

ANYWAY
diets going okay?
i finally managed to get two huge sachets of this digestive enhancer stuff
you make it up into two big 3 litre batches
i plan to prettymuch fast on that for the next two days?
or try my best, i wont cry because i ate a nectarine or a carrot or anything

my face has thinned out quite a bit
legs are toned and lean
mid section is HORRENDOUS still (i carry weight around the middle, fucking lucky me)
but getting better (i have abs, and its all toned-ish and curvy)
and my arms are thinning out FINALLY <3
i really want skinny arms, toned/shapely/lean legs, a smaller waist and popped collarbones
as well as my intense jagged shoulderbones that always show up <3 

im going to do this
i AM going to do this
i can do this
im DOING this
im winning

like i always do
l.b. always gets what she wants.. eventually

a bientot
xxxxx

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: tv blaring in the background.. lullabies..

 this is just going to be one huge massive rant
i just dont even care about punctuation or anything right now

so a lot of stuff has gone down lately
and i feel, as usual, like this is the place where i can reach a final point and think things through that have happened

broken up with mason for.. a month and a half now?
and im not feeling any heartbreak whatsoever
he was just not for me
to think, that i used to have the biggest crush on this guy, i thought he was sooooo hot and would have done anything par jump off a bridge to get a chance to go out with him or even KISS him
and then i get to go out with him, have sex with him, he even tells me he loves me so many times that it was.. well, we will get to that later i suppose

but even though i got all of this stuff that i wanted, 
i didnt want him
when he got all lovey dovey with me, i felt uncomfortable
when we had sex, i got queasy and nautious for no reason
when he told me he loved me so many times and i lied back.. i felt like the worst person in the world

on top of all of this, im FAT
FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT
i go for a run every single day
i do pilates every single day
i eat healthy foods
and im still stocky as fuck
i mean, i have a tight ass and sculpted legs, fairly popped collarbones and shoulderblades with the potential an anorexic would slay for (i used to be thin and my shoulderbones jutted out like a skeleton, theyre magical)
BUT IM STILL TOO FAT TO EVEN CONSIDER WEARING A BIKINI

and its almost summer
whats a girl to do

ILL TELL YOU: a girl stops eating
but continues exercising

back on track now
i go on facebook a few minutes ago and mason is flirting with some english blonde chick called.. LAURA
same name, i mean.. thats kind of sick right?
i couldnt believe it
and the part i couldnt believe the most was the stab of pain in my heart
and the tears that just started rolling down my cheeks
i was jealous
jealous and angry and sad

sad on top of my depression

why am i depressed?
we go back to dave
dave who i stopped going out with about 6 months ago
its getting ridiculous

he has a new girlfriend
probably some beautiful blonde girl with a perfect body and a smile the size of christchurch
it kills me a little

so basically
everything is horrible at the moment
but im not going to let myself fall into a rut
im going to make goals for myself

so here goes
my goals for the next month:

O  Make a new Friend who is socially 'Cool' for networking benefits
O  Go out at LEAST once a week to socialise (bar/town/party/drinks)
O  Find a new man to satisfy me, Must be on par with certain ex's
O  Must stop eating as much, Cut back on all foods, Especially sugar/carbs/fats (fruit and vegetables only with Water)
O  Exercise every day, no excuses (Do this already anyway..)
O  Instead of watching television, Devote evenings to preening and making sure i look Hot at all times
O  Spend an hour each night doing something Educational (DRIVING LESSON/assignment/STUDY)

those are my goals to a better me..
lets hope they go somewhere

just to be super safe, im going to plan tomorrows meals here
Breakfast: Celestial Seasonings Berry Tea
Snack: Lettuce Leaves
Lunch: Carrot (and Green Tea if needed)
Snack: Nectarine
Dinner: Nibble of whatever Mum and Dad make

VIVA LA LUST

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: 'Be Yourself' by Audioslave/'I Like It Rough' by Lady Gaga

this is honestly turning into some perverted sex-capades blog right now
how trash is that haha..
ew i disgust myself
i just have to get it all down somewhere so that i dont forget what happened,
and this is the most convenient place really

so the night started at laurens place,
we downed two glasses of wine each, and from that i was extremely intoxicated already
as in, couldnt even stand up properly at that point
so laurens mom dropped us to the foundry to drink our pain away and watch the league game on the widescreens..

> as a little intercept, i broke up with dave about three weeks ago now,
and its killed me ever since. i cry every day, whether im out for a run or when i wake up in bed in the morning and realise i
want to be next to him in his bed. et cetera.
i miss him with intense pain. so ive been drinking my pains away the last few weeks, and it hasnt done me any good but..
well youll see from the results that it adds a whole fuckload more drama to my life everytime.
if this isnt unwarranted heartbreak then i dont know what is. he doesnt deserve it, but yet.. i die a little everyday.
yes, im a drama queen, hadnt you noticed already?

anyway, downed wines, now were at the foundry.
had ciggies outside, downed half a jug of beer each, find our ethiopian bodyguard friend tendai there,
he hangs with us and we watch the league leaning on a table
i get sick of leaning, so i steal a nearby stool to sit on, but lauren is uncomfortable so i decide to use my charms to get her one
i went up to a table of these nerds and put on the whole doe-eyed beauty thing, batted my eyelashes etc
and they refused to give me a stool, but then when their friend when to go to the bathroom, they jumped up and ran the stool over to me
..thats right, ive still got it.

anyway, my friend letitia who ive known prettymuch my whole life (through primary to uni) well, ive known her my whole life
not really friends with her as such but shes a complete dollface i love her.
so she arrives and we start chatting to her, which is really fun. by then weve both had two glasses of wine each and one and a half jugs each..
i am completely mindfucked.

she leaves, and i end up chatting to her cute flatmates that were still standing next to us, and after the rugby finishes, they invite us back to
their flat for another drink and some chatting. so we agreed, and we walked there, took ten mins.
(before we left, i had like a complete breakdown moment outside on the terrace of the foundry, i collapsed on the ground and
started bawling my eyes out like a baby whimpering "i miss him so much", which was triggered when i tried to text dave
and lauren forcibly took my phone away from me so i couldnt. jake (cute flatmate guy) comes out and checks on us,
is kinda not knowing what to do when he sees me crying but makes sure im okay and goes back inside)

so, were at their flat now, and we are meeting some of the flatmates etc.
blah blah blah, everyone goes to bed and jake invites us to see his room and listen to some music, just chill.
eventually, it went from chilling in his room, to me lying prettymuch comatose on the bed, to a THREESOME.
yes, a fucking threesome.
i never thought in my LIFE i would have a threesome.. the idea of it disgusted me, well, the two-girls-one-guy type of threesome.
alas, i was fucked off my nut, and horny as a dog on heat. gross.

tag team blowjobs, poking, breast fondling.. it was weird.
then lauren got shitty because jake was ignoring her (what can i say.. im prettymuch a nympho)
and called a taxi home, and was like "ill see u tomorrow morning, im leaving so u guys can fuck already"
and left, so i was like.. "okaaay.. stuck at random dudes house.. BLOWJOB TIME!"
and gave him one so good that he came after like 5 seconds.
all over my chest. lovely.

then he was all like "lets fuck now, please, lets have sex, youre so much more beautiful, i just want you"
and i was like "no.. u turned down sex with both of us earlier. im going to sleep.. niiiiiiiiiight.."
and fell into a deep sleep.

THIS MORNING: woke up.
first thought: "ohhh fuck i cannot believe i really am lying here right now"
i remembered everything from the night before.
so embarassed.. i just wanted to die.

he was such a sweetheart though, gave me a ride to laurens house and asked for my number,
invited my to his flats drinks this saturday.. uhhhhhhh no thanks honey.
i dont think ill ever be able to show my face around letitia ever again.. if she knows then im just going to DIE. DIE DIE DIE!

oh yea.. hes friends with my ex too.
how fucking small is christchurch ay?
well, they used to be friends. now he isnt welcome around at their flat because he punched a hole in the wall.
nice thomas, nice.
oh and his other flatmate is this guy who plays rugby who my friends are like, in lust with.
lovely.
i seem to pick the best ones dont i..

anyway, so that was my disgustingly dirty, embarassing, whoreish wednesday night.


and i cannot believe it happened.

Current Mood: gloomy

i feel really strange.. i hate when i feel like this.
my parents have gone up to the north island for the weekend,
cos its my nana's birthday.
i was invited to go along as well, but i have work on sundays, and also, my mums side of the family is pretty weird really.
as much as i hate to say it.. trashy? i mean, she grew up in porirua so im not surprised really.
but yea, i adore wellington, it feels like a home away from home to me.
its the people there that freak me out a bit.

anyway, the folks are away,
and it feels so strange having the house to myself. (well, the brothers here too but he's a little ill at the moment so hes asleep a lot)
just like, eerie and i feel really.. alone.
i never thought i was a person who craved social interaction but, i must be because im feeling depressed and theyve only been away for one day.

part of the depression i think though,
would the the relationship strain between me and dave.
the other night i was over at the flat, and i got really drunk (they were laughing at me cos it took one and a half glasses to get me TROLLEYED)
and i was talking like the world was ending. anything i thought, came straight out of my mouth without a thought.
and i remember repetitively saying to dave "you're such a bad boyfriend!" and then each time giving him a new reason why.
WHY THE FUCK WOULD I DO THAT?
i mean, he is an absolutely SHITHOUSE boyfriend, but you dont go around saying that to people?!

im relating this whole dilemma to that three days grace song, "i hate everything about you"
the lyrics that go: " Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don't miss you yet"

" I hate everything about you
Why do I love you"


that last one especially..
i love him so much inside, but i hate everything about him prettymuch.
its tearing my heart and my head apart!


we've been together nearly 3 months,
and i havent done anything with him just me and him, like a movies night or dinner out.
nothing.
im totally neglected as a girlfriend, all i am to him is entertainment, and the girl that he can claim a fuck out of every night that im there.
even when im just there to come over to the flat and spend time with him,
he's either in a shit mood or hes fucked off his face.
he cant even wait til i get there to start drinking.
and all he does is drink. almost every night of the week.
i cant understand it.
FUCK. i have to break up with him. i have to.
but i dont want to. WHY THE FUCK AM I SO HUNG UP ON SUCH A MUNTER?!
this is so frustrating.

dave, dave, dave.
i love u so why do you do this to me.
please tell me.


ive started smoking again.
marlboro lights.
the most aesthetically beautiful of the available selections.
i love smoking but i LOATHE what it does to me.
one of my greatest fears is not being able to breathe, after the time i was rushed to hospital when i was younger
because my lungs were affected by this weird illness, and i almost passed out from lack of oxygen before i got there.
so whenever my breathing gets laboured from the cigs, i freak out and stop smoking for awhile.
its gradually starting again.

today i spent two hours sweating it out at the gym.
and that was AFTER i had already spent an hour rushing around catching the bus there and then running through the mall to get my brothers medicine from different pharmacys.
so then, i went to catch the bus home, all shaky and cold. and THE BUS WAS 20 MINS LATE.
and this was after id already been waiting outside in the cold wind for half an hour.
so fucking mad.
and then after that, i had to walk home for another 10 mins in the cold wind.
i hate winter.

FOLLOWING THE USE OF THE WORD HATE;
i have decided that my goal for the next month is to try being a more upbeat, spontaneous person.
i get anxious about everything and i have to plan things,
but its dragging my relationship down so i want to try being more like him.
living on the call of a name and a scent on the breeze.

bought a brand new black leather snakeskin indented bag today, it has a centre compartment for me to slip in my new laptop too.
so its basically this absolutely gorgeous leather fashion computer bag.
but its big enough to hold everything (ive always wanted one o f those "omg her bags half the size of her" bags that the celebs seem to tote about)
i can see the jealous eyes at uni already.
bite me you pretentious bitches!
i may not be one of the most deliriously rich people on campus but i sure do work it just as well as you do honeys.
even my ex boyfriend stopped in his steps and gawked at me a couple of days ago..
HA HA HA.
take a photo, it might last you longer you frigid prick.

oh and a side note before i leave..
im starting to feel a kinship with lindsay lohan.
ive always been told everywhere i go that i look like her (minus the radical freckles and ginger hair.. THANKGOD)
but ive started thinking lately that maybe im a nympho.
not like, hardcore.. just out there.
i feel like good sex can fix everything. usually it does in my case with dave actually.
anyway, lindsays been outed as a nympho by a fair few so yea.
i dig her passions.
ew except the whole possible lesbian thing.. that creeps me out.

ta ta darlings
im off to bed now.
tomorrow i have to get up, nurse a sick brother and run the dog all before an evening shift at work.
oh the joy.
miss u mum and dad,
get home safely. love you both.

X  O  X

Current Mood: bitchy

so i put on a LOT of weight at the start of this year,
and im only just starting to lose it now.
im at like fucking 150 at the moment,
its disgusting.
last time, before my anorexia got triggered and i lost 25kgs i was up at 80 kgs.
now i feel like even though i try hard, my weight is just billowing up there again.
lately, anyway.

SO, ive started going for a run every morning, and doing pilates twice a day, plus stretches.
and on my non-busy days (i have constant uni, boyfriend and family matters that keep me stressed)
i manage to go up to my gym and spend a couple of hours doing cardio and weight resistance training.
(not much lately though, so many bloody uni assignments)

anyway, i weighed myself a week ago before i started the constant running,
and i was 150 pounds so.
i think im going to give myself another week,
and COMMIT to the lack of nutrition, embrace my cigarettes, and live for that gnawing pain.
and after that, if ive lost a fair amount then i KNOW ill be even more keen to continue.

i have to get out of this disgusting, pathetic binge purge cycle.
its sickening. im sorry if you disagree with me,
but i personally think that bulimia's for pussys who cant handle starvation and pain to get to their goals.
therefore, i am currently DISGUSTED at myself.
and am going to change overnight.
fuck bulimia and bingeing - i dont even fucking need food!
FUCK NUTRITION.

tomorrow, for breakfast im going to have a berocca with water.
then im going to get dressed and catch the bus to university.
at uni im going to attend my lecture until twelve pm, possibly one pm if i can be arsed.
then i will sit with zoe and tina and hannah and tyrone, and purchase a packet of tailies and smoke the hell out of 2 or 3 of them.
that will be my lunch. my fuel for the afternoon.
then i will go to my english lecture at 2pm and listen adoringly to the lecturer talk about Jane Eyre (i love english).
then i will run across the hall to my mass communications lecture at 3pm, in which i will feel publically scrutinized by the hundreds of eyes as i walk in the door.
then i will bus home, and go for a lengthy run up to Northwood and back.
and then text my boyfriend and go over to the flat for a raunchy sex session, and tell him that my parents are away this weekend..
WOO HOO!
party time..

X

Current Mood: cold

fuck i love being drunk
like seriously.. im sooooo fucked right now.
just got home from the boyfriends flat, its about 1130pm and yea.
drunk assssssss fuck.

at first i wasnt drunk, i was totally sober and packing a mean sad ay.
then this new guy adam came over, whose taking Pav's place in the flat in august and..
well.. hes gorgeous. i couldnt stop looking at him and everytime i stole a glance, he was staring at me too.
i felt so dirty just looking at him with my bf standing right next to me.
i remember thinking during the evening "oh god if i ever had the chance i would fuck him in a heartbeat.."
but then.. where the fuck does that leave me and dave?
jesus. i think i have either slight nymphomaniac tendencies or maybe im normal?
who knows.

anyway, as soon as adam came over,
he started pouring me drink after drink when all the other guys were outside,
and chatting to me and stuff, TOTALLY hardcore flirtation going on on both sides.
he reminds me of my gorgeous best friend scott who i havent seen in 3 weeks, cos he got himself a DISGUSTING BITCH OF A MOLE FOR A NEW GIRLFRIEND. SHES ABSOLUTELY MINGER AND JUST EW I HATE HER SO MUCH.
HE CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER, HES ABSOLUTELY STUNNING!
grrrrrr rant over.
i miss scotty baby so much :(
i think hes just ditched me now though because he cant get a lay out of me anymore - he knows i have a bf and that im not attracted to him in that way (hes a little bit too short for me - i go for pretty tall guys)
but i still acknowledge that hes amazingly beautiful.
tan skin, almond eyes, dark hair, ripped body, amazing ass (ohhhhh yes, i saw it naked several times after sex..)
not a huge penis but well, he can live with that without me telling him.

anyway.. adam was filling me up on wine.
and i got pretty drunk pretty quickly.
haha and kohan (flatty) wanted to see my hair extensions so i clipped one into his hair for him,
it was hilarious! and he was so stoked too hahaha.
gotta love that hottie.

gosh i prettymuch spent all night flirting first with pav, then with kohan, and then with adam.
drooooooool, adam.. ahhhhhhh.
drool kohan too.. i had a sex fantasy about him once.

haha when i was outside and rather drunk, about to head home,
i was outside with kohan and pembie and adam, talking to kohan,
and he was like "george told me you bought furry handcuffs in town.. poor daves gonna get cuffed and abused!"
and i was like (saucily HAHA) "hah well.. i didnt buy them for dave.. theyre for me.."
and then we were both like AWKWARD SILENCE
and i was like "OKAY haha awkward silence time, im going to head inside now"
and ran inside looking smoldering with my dress hiked up my legs a little.
you bet ur ass he was checking me out.
all guys like to dominate a girl... and i love to be dominated.
he found that out the easy way.

anyway, i was drunk,
and dave was being a faggot most of the night, but when he realised that all of the guys in the flat were hitting on me
simultaneously, then he bucked up a little and started groping me in front of everyone.
boobs, ass, waist. hands everywhere.
it was hot haha.
kinda felt bad for the other guys though, adam clearly thought dave wasnt good enough for me.
made it a little obvious.
but yea, then i got picked up and headed home, so all was well.
hopefully ill see the boyf in 2 days and things will get raunchy.

haha 20 mins till i got picked up
me: "maaaaaaan 20 mins till i have to go home!"
dave: "oh shit you better go get into my bed then, weve only got 20 mins till ur mum gets here!"
adam: "............"
me: "*CHOKING ON WINE* HAHAHAHA.."
dave: "haha.. ha... im being serious haha"

so funny.
poor adam.
if theres ever any way of hoooking up with adam without dave knowing, i so will.
i mean, ive already been hooked into by that Sebastian guy on the bus trip..
not my fault.

meh im off to bed.
NIGHT.
X  O  X

Current Mood: horny

shit. i. had. an. eventful. night.

EXCEPT I CANT REMEMBER HALF OF IT!

jesus.

so, it was my friend from high school's (left last year) 18th bus trip last night,
caught a pink party bus from the fox & the ferret bar in riccarton,
it was girls from villa (mainly villa) and guys from thomases (where my ex used to go) and bedes as well as the girls  boyfriends friends.

started the bus trip, all was well,
hit up a couple of pubs and drank like madddd.
bus driver became good mates with me and my friend tina who i was with the whole night.
and then things started to get funny, we were at the second pub and i was talking to this chick i didnt know who had been sitting down the back,
and she was like "you were wearing that grey jacket before ay.. yea all the guys i was sitting near in the back of the bus spend the whole first half of the journey
talking about how hot you are !"
and i was like "raaaaandom.."
and she was like "well, youre extremely gorgeous so its not really a surprise !"
WHAT A SWEETHEART. she was so nice.

haha so having all these guys i dont  know hitting on me was a bit scary,
OMG HAHA i just remembered, at one point i was dancing in the middle of the bus and some guy was fully squeezing my ass !!
GROSS he wouldve gotten a handful of FAT.
yuk.

but yea, i had a good time dancing and cavorting about at the pubs,
and on the bus later in the trip the guy i was sitting behind, James, found out that i was the coveted "River Queen"
(i fell in a river last year at a party the night that i met my ex boyfriend thomas, who is prettymuch the social king of St Thomases so everyone knew about it
and knew that i was the "river queen")
and i laughed cos i didnt know that was my official nickname haha..
so he told everyone and all the thomases guys were like ":O WHOA THE RIVER QUEEN!"
LOL i found that sooooo amusing.

so then came the really bad stuff..

james' friend Seb who went to st bedes last year came and sat next to james in front of us
and i took a liking to him a little bit.. he was very hot.
so i flirted, but tried to make sure i never overstepped the boundary because well, i have a gorgeous boyfriend who i love.
but then the alcohol fucked me over..

seb pulled me over to him on the bus and hugged me, which was ok i guess,
but then a few seconds later he pulled me over to him again and fully started hooking up with me.
HARDCORE.
and i couldnt do anything because i was so drunk !!
FUCK !
so then after that i went and sat next to tina and was like "i have a boyfriend ! i have a fucking boyfriend !! what do i do ?!"
and i was freaking out really badly.

and then eventually the bus hit up town,
and we went into Boulevard and used the bathrooms.
i looked like a hot mess if im being honest, i was soooo trashed.

then tina went off with this guy toby who shes like in love with and i was left to wait for my parents to go home.
they picked me up (THANK GOD - i was terribly vulnerable to be like abducted or something ay.. fucking hell)
and i dont remember anything else from when i got in the car to waking up this morning - STILL TIPSY.

far out.
so now im having the mad as guilt trip about all this.
and i have to call in at work sick because of the hangover.
jesus.

I HAVE ISSUES.

Current Mood: drunk

i love that they named those little dogs after french butterflies.
cute.
i want to use it as my future daughters middle name or something.
im thinking, dahlia monroe papillon brown.
and i want to name a boy, sebastian ferris jericho brown.
theyre pretty awesome names actually.
im proud.. of the names of my kids that dont actually exist. HAH.


anyway that was a rather large tangent i went off on.

well the last two days have been.. rather eventful.
last night i stayed til late at my boyfriends flat,
and after sex (which was a bit painful, he kept hitting my cervix !!)
he initiated pillow talk and it eventually led to us talking about my OLD bulimia/anorexia problems,
and then i told him that i was actually quite afflicted by it again.
and so then for about an hour we talked about it, and it only reaffirmed to me that i think i love him..
he was just laughing and saying i was silly but it was so much better than that serious-faced "you need to get better and eat" reaction
he just hugged me really close to him and told me i was perfect how i was and that all of his friends had talked about how hot i was and stuff.
and then he spent ten minutes rubbing my hipbones and stroking my ribs a little because he hadnt realised they were there,
because before that i wouldnt let him touch them.
so yea, it was quite a bonding experience for me.

and today, well uni was gay.
i skipped a lecture, my friend accused me of being anorexic and i was so tired from powerwalking around  campus all day that i couldnt muster the energy to get ready for the gym and collapsed in a heap on the couch.
GRRRRRRRRR !!

im off to go watch survivor fans VS favs.
night night.
X  O  X

Current Mood: cold

i think i still have bits of curdled milk stuck in my nostril.
yes, curdled milk.
sick.

i never thought id become this obsessive with purging,
but it seems that every couple of nights when everyones gone to bed,
ill get up and purge everything i had consumed that evening.
whether it was a lot or a little.

tonight it was a mixture of half a stewed plum,
milk (curdled)
and a bit of chocolate icing, because i baked my boyfriend & his flatmates a batch of afghan cookies
and couldn't resist a taste.

tasted awful (the vomit)
and the last two times i stuck my finger down,
it ended up coming out my nose in huge gushes.
(i had just drunk 2 glasses of water and i'd consumed a fair amount of milk as i got a weird craving for it)

i hate red foods.
every time i see them in the toilet bowl i have to look closer to make sure its not blood.
so stupid.

i cant believe im sitting here typing this.
i cant believe im bulimic.
i used to think bulimics were disgusting because they just couldnt control themselves, and so binged instead.
but its not like that for me..
i purge no matter what i eat,
so that my stomach always feels empty and hollow.


my bones are starting to crop up.
my knob at the nape of my neck is becoming prominent,
as is the continuous row of lumps down my spine,
my hip bones (theyre always the slowest)
and my collar bones are showing like crazy,
pretty sure theyre driving this wanarexic girl at my work a little bit crazy actually.

my teeth have started to look noticably bigger
(i remember before i was ana/mia, i always wondered why hilary duffs teeth looked so massive..
and then when mine looked the same a few months later i realised why.)
and my eyes look googly,
and cheekbones are starting to look more slantish and pronounced.
jawline is ridged, neck is sloping, and skin and hair are looking dull and unconditioned,
which i will have to do something about.

i think i need help.
my boyfriend  is getting suspiscious,
as i wont let him put his hand on my stomach (even though he loves to hold me like that..)
and i wont get naked in front of him in the light.
it probably doesnt help either that the other night while we were watching that Biggest Loser program,
he and his flatmates commented on how the challenge was funny because it was making the fat people gorge themselves on donuts,
and that it was a crack up because they were probably just going to go "barf it up" afterwards.
and i got a bit offended and turned to the BF and said "thats not funny ! i used to be bulimic remember.."
because when we first got together, we had this huge long pillow talk conversation about how i had used to be ana/mia and was feeling self consciously fat
and that i promised him i would be losing weight quickly.
but he said i was perfect how i was (aw) and that if anyone was chunky it was him (because he used to be a lanky moose but now hes stocky and muscly and AHHHHHH DROOL i love him)

haha the other night he tried to give me a hickey on my breast in the dark so he couldnt see if it worked or not,
so in the morning when i was rugged up in his t shirt he shuffled over and pulled the front forward and down and blatantly stared down at my breasts to see if it had worked.. so funny !
but then i whacked him because hes a perv and i didnt want him to see my stomach while he was scoping out the "landscape".

i think i love him.

but shhh dont tell anybody.
its our little secret.

<3

Current Mood: loved